Way Off Track...AKA the Letter/List Project

I hate this letter thing. I thought it would be sooo easy, I'd keep up with it because I just knew I'd figure out who I wanted to write every letter to. I was way wrong. So I'm jumping off track. I'll still do the letter thing, but I'm going to be selfish and only do the ones I want to. Right now I'm behind by 3, but I didn't know who to write to because none of them really applied to me. I really have a boring life. haha.

So, on the days I don't write a letter, I'm going to do a Top 10 List. I love lists. They make me feel grounded and in control. Tonight starts the list/letter combo, so here goes:

The Top 10 Things That Scare Me The Most

10. That my photography is not as good as I think it is. I read once that artists are the most insecure people, and need constant reassurance that they are good at what they do. Thank GOD I have the family and friends that I do.

9. That my dad is just going to eventually give up on me, too.

8. That I'll somehow disappoint my mom and grandma.

7. That my mom will find out what I know.

6. Waking up to find someone (or something) standing over my bed.

5. CLOWNS

4. Never finding someone I love.

3. Never having at least one child, either one of my own or adopted.

2. That I'll realize too late I was meant to do something else with my life.

1. Not living. There's more to living than just breathing and doing day to day actions. Living fully. Doing everything on my list.

Letter #10- Deceased Person you Wish you Could Talk To

Dear Grandpa Watters,

I miss you. We all do. If you were here to see what was going on, you'd be devastated, and extremely disappointed. I don't know what to say about any of it, I guess all I can do is apologize for the behavior of a few. I'm sorry.

I know you're happy up there. Grandma's with you now, she missed you so much. She was so brave, and I'm glad you two are together again even if you're not with us.

I know I will see you one day, and it will be wonderful. Don't forget about me, ok? Because I'll never be able to forget about you.

Love forever,
Courtney

Letter #9- Someone you wish you could meet

Father of my mother-

I can't even call you Grandpa. You were never there for me or my family, and I know now that we were better off without you.

You are scum. I hope you are lonely and miserable.

I only want to meet you to slap you. You'll never know the happiness you could have had.

Better off not knowing you,
Courtney

Letter #8- Favorite Internet Friend

Dear T-

I know we are friends in real life, but we talk more online. Except when we have awesome 7 hour phone calls, which do not happen often enough.

I really need to say thank you. When we met in high school, we were friends. Not extremely close, but close enough at the time, I think. The friends I hung out with and introduced you to treated you like crap, and I can't say that I had nothing to do with it. I could have stopped it, but I didn't, and I am so extremely sorry.

But thank you for still being there for me. We had a sort of falling out, and I didn't talk to you for years, but once I did again it was like nothing had happened. Everything is so normal and I love it.

Thank you for supporting me in everything. You are one of my biggest fans with my photography, and you are way too generous with your compliments.

Please know that I will always be there for you.

Love,
Courtney

Letter #7-To an Ex

Well folks, I don't have an ex.

So there. No blog post for you!!

Just kidding.

I guess I'll just write one of those rambling posts instead. I'm listening to that song from Fivel Goes West, "Dreams to Dream". The one the sister mouse sings, while she's twirling around and cleaning the tiny windows, and the cat is in rapture because of her voice, and she's so lost in the song, she walks right up onto his paw without even realizing it. I think she dances with his finger, too (that kinda sounds dirty...sorry). Anyways, it's my favorite song from that movie (and I really want to watch it now), and I just wrote that whole run-on sentence from memory.

My parents should be so proud.

"The Truth" by Kris Allen is on now. He has a dreamy voice. But Adam Lambert still should've won that season. Adam is HOT. He makes me want to dance. And make out with him.

I'll stop now.

Letter #6-To a Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Hello. I hope you're having a pleasant week. Actually, I hope life in general is going well. Since I don't know you, I'm not really sure what to say. Maybe if you read this and comment, we could talk, then we wouldn't be strangers anymore! What an idea :)

Sincerely,
(I don't know you. I can't say Love)
Courtney

Letter #5-To My Dreams

I'm not sure what "dreams" the challenge is meaning. My future plans, goals, etc, or the ones I have when I'm taking a people snooze? (150 points for getting that reference.)

ANYWAYS. I guess I'll address both.


Dear Life Goal Dreams,

You are the worst things ever. Like a tease. There's this awesome fantastic goal in front of you, something that offers happiness, wealth, etc. But usually you don't work out like that. When you do, though, you rock. We get to give interviews about how we've "dreamed of this our whole lives". We've always had a dream. MLK had a dream. Thanks for kinda working out for him.

Anyways, I hope you're kind to me.

Courtney


Dear Slumbering Dreams,

You are so confusing. Like, seriously, are you trying to tell me something? Because I had a dream once my mom was trying to kill me and my sisters and that totally didn't come true. But then one time you showed me that I was going to be at Chili's with my family, and it happened a week later. The EXACT way you showed me it would.

CREEPY.

But there's really nothing I can do about it, because you're going to visit me every night whether I like it or not.

Just try to keep it light-hearted from now on, ok?? Thanks.

Love,
Courtney

Letter #4- Sibling or Closest Relative

Dear Katie,

You aren't my sibling, but I feel as though you should have been. You are my cousin, my smart, beautiful, sarcastic, way-too-mature-for-age-6 cousin.

I know you aren't supposed to pick favorites in your family, but you're it. You are the main reason I came to Ohio after graduation, and the reason I was most excited to go to Vegas. I couldn't wait to see you. I got to see your amazingly wonderful sisters grow up, and I feel awful that I haven't got to spend as much time with you.

Perhaps you're my favorite because I see so much of myself in you. You're such a daddy's girl, as I was, and I've never seen someone so young be so sarcastic. Seriously, I've seen you outwit your dad, which is hard to do.

I pray for the day you all will be closer to us. I hate not being a more prominent figure in your life, in all of your lives. I hope you know that you can always talk to me, and that no matter where you live, I will always be there for you.

Love, ALWAYS,
Courtney

Letter #3-To my Parents

Dear Mom,

You have no idea how much I look up to you. I tell you everything, so I don't feel that this letter has to be very long. I really just want you to know that you truly are my hero, and I hope that one day I can be half the person you are.

Love Love Love,
Courtney


Dear Dad,

I really have no clue what to say to you. We are so much alike in so many ways, and that scares me, because you have cause this family so much pain and I never want to do that to anyone.

I still love you. I'm your only daughter who actually tries to keep in touch with you, yet I'm the one thrown to the background. Our conversations are usually about how you wish the siblings would talk to you. I've told you, I've talked to them, and there's nothing that's going to change their minds. It's up to them, not me and you. And I can't entirely blame them.

I don't know why I was upset that I didn't get an invite for this weekend. Guess I need to accept that I'm now #2 and her and her family will always be more important. But I'm not going to stop trying, and I pray that in the end I don't get hurt and you realize what has happened.

Love,
Courtney

Letter #2-My Crush

Last night, I had a long talk with my friend Thom. I told him how horrible I was at keeping up with this blog, and how I didn't have a crush. I lied. There's always that one person you can't let go. That one person that will always haunt you and make you wonder what might have been. So here goes.

Dear H,

Hi. I don't know if you even remember me. I'm the girl that was stupid and fell hard, who's heart you broke by asking out her best friend, who pathetically dreamed about how great we could be together. Ring a bell? Probably not to you.

You'll never read this, and that's ok. This is for me for once, and no one else. And it's especially not for you.

I have no reason to be this...what is this? Protective? Obsessive? I'm not really sure. But all I know is that I loved you, and had no reason to. You couldn't have cared less about me, but I can't let you go. People dropped hints, you had to have known. Co-workers can't keep their mouths shut, I've come to discover.

You left for basic training, and I had almost put you out of my mind. I was getting ready to go to Springfield for college, had made new friends, had finally figured out my life, when you came back and saw me at work. We chatted. You smiled. My heart broke again when your girlfriend came up to you and gave me a dirty look. In that two minutes, you took control of the situation you didn't even know about.

But today I'm giving myself permission to move on. There was always a glimmer of hope that we would run into each other again, and it would just click. The world would fall into place and there would be rainbows and flowers and unicorns and nothing bad would ever happen again, because us being together was the perfect match and nothing could ever screw with it.

So I hope you have a fantastic life, and are happy in everything you do.

Goodbye,
Courtney

Not going so well...

Well, I just realized I didn't blog my letter yesterday. WHOOPS!! I was going to do it now, but I decided not to.

Yesterday was so incredibly stressful. Last fall when I was at school, I noticed my heart was acting funny. It would skip a couple of beats, then speed up super fast. This would only last a few seconds, but the results was a few minutes of me not being able to catch my breath, and getting super freaked out.

It got worse as the semester went on, and I was going to mention it to my mom at Christmas time, but with everything going on then it just really escaped my mine. There were also issues with my dad and health insurance going on then (but that's another entry).

A few weeks ago, I was in St. Louis with my dad when it happened again, and I literally could not catch my breath for 10 minutes. That was the last straw-everything possible that could be wrong with me was going through my mind, and it was stressing me out to the point of exhaustion.

So yesterday I went to the doctor. They did an EKG (which showed nothing wrong!) and took a blood sample. This morning I woke up to a message from the nurse, saying she had the lab results and needed to talk to me. GULP.

Turns out---I have an underactive thyroid. Weird. And, it can cause the shortness of breath and heart palpitations. I still have to do testing for my heart, just in case.

But I finally feel like I can relax. So, look for another blog tonight as I continue the 30 day letter challenge.

30 Day Challenge-Day 1

Recently, I've had a few friends start a 30 day blog letter challenge thing. You basically write a letter to someone/thing every day for 30 days. I meant to start this a week ago, but due to visitors at home and some family happenings, I haven't. But here it is, Day 1--a letter to my best friend.


Dear Millie,

You rock. Seriously. You're so intelligent, so charismatic, so lovable, and I look up to you so much, you have no idea. I would never tell you all of this in person, because you are not a mushy person (at least with friends), but I feel I can write all of this down and it will be ok.

You are so great in everything you do. Your relationship with Mike makes me hopeful that one day I can find someone who loves me that much. You two are perfect. Marry him.

And I want you to know that I'm so proud of you. You could have let things in your past hold you back, but you chose to move ahead and make a fantastic life for yourself. I know you are going to accomplish so much in the future.

And even though you don't really care for Harry Potter, and have never seen the Star Wars movies (you know I have to give you a hard time about that), I will still always be there for you, for anything you might need.

Love,
Courtney

It's a New Day, It's a New Life

It's been a while, but I'm ready to start blogging again. I have to give a huge thanks to my best friend, an extraordinary writer, who's blog can be found here: http://milliesparanormalplace.blogspot.com/.

I know I've been avoiding this place, and it's partially because of my last post. I may even end up deleting it, but who knows? I'm trying to put this last Christmas season out of my head, so hopefully with time it won't be as bad.

It's summer! Yay for sunshine and swimming and beaches, but it's also the time for summer jobs. I'm still searching. I've applied at a clothing store in town, and had one interview, but they still haven't heard back from corporate to do second interviews. But while I'm jobless, I've decided to make a list of things to do that don't involve spending much money.

We've gotten Netflix! If you follow my Twitter (CRW777) you know I'm in love with it, especially the instant watch feature. And because we have a Wii, we can hook it up to the internet and do it that way. It's amazing. So far, I've watched two seasons of The Office, City of Angels, Doubt, Julie and Julia, and It Could Happen to You. Also, I think I've added 2 movies to this queue every time I get online, so it's rapidly growing. My goal is to watch every movie I've ever wanted to see that is available to instantly watch.

I also have an intense summer reading list. I started this last summer, and got through three Toni Morrison books (AMAZING). However, it's on my old Facebook account, so I have to find someone who still has access to it to send it to me. Grr.

Leaving for Vegas in 3 days! I'm beyond excited. I haven't seen my cousins in two years, and after a long chat with my aunt today, I'm even more anxious to see everyone. I know I won't be writing while there, so I promise an entry soon after we get back.

This summer has the possibility to be one of the greatest ones in a while.

"Sing a sad song/in a lonely place..."

I had my first dream about grandma Saturday night. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember when I woke up Sunday morning, I held my eyes shut as tightly as I could. In my dream she was alive. She was talking, and laughing, cooking fried chicken and making jokes. She was right there in the kitchen, and when I woke up I knew she wouldn't be there. I had to hold onto that image for as long as I possibly could.

At church, Mom Boo's pastor (who I swear is related to Dwight Shrute) asked, "How is Shirley?" My grandma, with as much strength and grace as she could muster, simply said "Better than we are" and walked away. I stared at him. How dumb could he be? He just made an announcement earlier in the service about prayers for our family. I wanted to slap his doughy face until I saw bruises and blood. I was mad.

That's when I realized, I'm not that sad anymore. For the first two weeks, I couldn't sleep by myself at night. Someone else had to be in the room with me when it was dark, or I would get panic attacks. My heart would race. I would sweat. I got dizzy and couldn't breathe. This is all very embarrassing to admit for a 20 year old girl who's slept in her own room since she was 5. I've only now been able to sleep with the lights off in no one else is in the room, but I do require the tv or the radio on.

I'm mad at my uncle. He can't get his head out of the ground for 10 minutes to realize what he's doing to his sisters, and the rest of his family. It doesn't help that his son-in-law is broadcasting all over Facebook how horrible his aunts are. I'm mad that uncle lied to Grandma. That he is too much of a coward to admit that he screwed up, big time.

I'm mad at the doctors. She had been going in for monthly blood tests since February. Why was this stage 4 cancer just being caught now? Why, in March when she had a colonoscopy, was the colon cancer not found? Why did it progress that quickly to her lungs, liver and brain? Why was this not found, when she went to the doctor at least 2 times a month?

I'm mad at her. I know I shouldn't be. She couldn't control any of this, only God could. But I'm still mad. I'm mad that she didn't talk to me for an hour this summer because I put Lady outside for 10 minutes. I'm mad that she got so upset at Mom Boo over things that could not be controlled. I'm mad that she asked me if I thought Grandpa would be home soon, and if I had seen her mother. I know now that all of this was caused by the brain cancer, and the dementia. Her personality changed so much. And it made me angry.

Mostly, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad that I ever got angry with her. I'm mad that over the summer, I thought once, "If she wasn't here, this would be so much easier. She'd be so better off. She'd be with Grandpa". I'm mad that over the summer, I didn't tell her more that I loved her.
I'm mad that I forgot to take a picture of myself with her. It hit me about 10 minutes ago that I'll never be able to do that. The frame I was saving for said picture will have to hold some other memory. That frame will be a constant memory of what I failed to do.
I'm mad at myself because I can't go into her bedroom. I want to shut the door, never see the green walls, the quilted bedspread she had just gotten two weeks prior. I want the room to become a museum.

I know I will never forget her, but I don't know if I can stop being mad.

Figured it Out

I've spent the last few months not really knowing how to get through things. I found out I wasn't going to be able to go back to school this semester, then three weeks later, the week before Christmas, we found out my great grandma had cancer. One week after Christmas she passed away. I've been staying at my grandma's because if I leave, it's too much closure. It makes things final, and I guess I don't want this to be finalized.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been heavily considering staying in Palmyra. I now know I want to eventually live here. I wish I could now.

But I woke up yesterday morning and realized I need to be home. My Lebanon home, with my mom and sisters, and near my friends. I also need to get back in school.

So, weather permitting, I'll be going home this Friday. I can't wait to see all of my friends and celebrate my birthday, and start the job search.

Hopefully this will be just what I need, and if it doesn't work out, I've come to find that just because your plans may not work out, it's not the end of the world.

New Directions

I know, I know, it's been forever since I've posted something. I really thought I was done with all of this blogging business, but something hit me today-I really have no idea what I want to do with my life.

There. I've said it. Kinda out loud.

Anyways, I really liked blogging when I was really into it, so I decided I'd give it a try again. I've been reading a lot of other blogs, watching a lot of movies, listening to a lot of new music, so maybe I've been inspired. Who knows. But hopefully sometime soon, I'll figure it.

And if I don't, you'll get to hear all about it.