Way Off Track...AKA the Letter/List Project

I hate this letter thing. I thought it would be sooo easy, I'd keep up with it because I just knew I'd figure out who I wanted to write every letter to. I was way wrong. So I'm jumping off track. I'll still do the letter thing, but I'm going to be selfish and only do the ones I want to. Right now I'm behind by 3, but I didn't know who to write to because none of them really applied to me. I really have a boring life. haha.

So, on the days I don't write a letter, I'm going to do a Top 10 List. I love lists. They make me feel grounded and in control. Tonight starts the list/letter combo, so here goes:

The Top 10 Things That Scare Me The Most

10. That my photography is not as good as I think it is. I read once that artists are the most insecure people, and need constant reassurance that they are good at what they do. Thank GOD I have the family and friends that I do.

9. That my dad is just going to eventually give up on me, too.

8. That I'll somehow disappoint my mom and grandma.

7. That my mom will find out what I know.

6. Waking up to find someone (or something) standing over my bed.

5. CLOWNS

4. Never finding someone I love.

3. Never having at least one child, either one of my own or adopted.

2. That I'll realize too late I was meant to do something else with my life.

1. Not living. There's more to living than just breathing and doing day to day actions. Living fully. Doing everything on my list.

Letter #10- Deceased Person you Wish you Could Talk To

Dear Grandpa Watters,

I miss you. We all do. If you were here to see what was going on, you'd be devastated, and extremely disappointed. I don't know what to say about any of it, I guess all I can do is apologize for the behavior of a few. I'm sorry.

I know you're happy up there. Grandma's with you now, she missed you so much. She was so brave, and I'm glad you two are together again even if you're not with us.

I know I will see you one day, and it will be wonderful. Don't forget about me, ok? Because I'll never be able to forget about you.

Love forever,
Courtney

Letter #9- Someone you wish you could meet

Father of my mother-

I can't even call you Grandpa. You were never there for me or my family, and I know now that we were better off without you.

You are scum. I hope you are lonely and miserable.

I only want to meet you to slap you. You'll never know the happiness you could have had.

Better off not knowing you,
Courtney

Letter #8- Favorite Internet Friend

Dear T-

I know we are friends in real life, but we talk more online. Except when we have awesome 7 hour phone calls, which do not happen often enough.

I really need to say thank you. When we met in high school, we were friends. Not extremely close, but close enough at the time, I think. The friends I hung out with and introduced you to treated you like crap, and I can't say that I had nothing to do with it. I could have stopped it, but I didn't, and I am so extremely sorry.

But thank you for still being there for me. We had a sort of falling out, and I didn't talk to you for years, but once I did again it was like nothing had happened. Everything is so normal and I love it.

Thank you for supporting me in everything. You are one of my biggest fans with my photography, and you are way too generous with your compliments.

Please know that I will always be there for you.

Love,
Courtney

Letter #7-To an Ex

Well folks, I don't have an ex.

So there. No blog post for you!!

Just kidding.

I guess I'll just write one of those rambling posts instead. I'm listening to that song from Fivel Goes West, "Dreams to Dream". The one the sister mouse sings, while she's twirling around and cleaning the tiny windows, and the cat is in rapture because of her voice, and she's so lost in the song, she walks right up onto his paw without even realizing it. I think she dances with his finger, too (that kinda sounds dirty...sorry). Anyways, it's my favorite song from that movie (and I really want to watch it now), and I just wrote that whole run-on sentence from memory.

My parents should be so proud.

"The Truth" by Kris Allen is on now. He has a dreamy voice. But Adam Lambert still should've won that season. Adam is HOT. He makes me want to dance. And make out with him.

I'll stop now.

Letter #6-To a Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Hello. I hope you're having a pleasant week. Actually, I hope life in general is going well. Since I don't know you, I'm not really sure what to say. Maybe if you read this and comment, we could talk, then we wouldn't be strangers anymore! What an idea :)

Sincerely,
(I don't know you. I can't say Love)
Courtney

Letter #5-To My Dreams

I'm not sure what "dreams" the challenge is meaning. My future plans, goals, etc, or the ones I have when I'm taking a people snooze? (150 points for getting that reference.)

ANYWAYS. I guess I'll address both.


Dear Life Goal Dreams,

You are the worst things ever. Like a tease. There's this awesome fantastic goal in front of you, something that offers happiness, wealth, etc. But usually you don't work out like that. When you do, though, you rock. We get to give interviews about how we've "dreamed of this our whole lives". We've always had a dream. MLK had a dream. Thanks for kinda working out for him.

Anyways, I hope you're kind to me.

Courtney


Dear Slumbering Dreams,

You are so confusing. Like, seriously, are you trying to tell me something? Because I had a dream once my mom was trying to kill me and my sisters and that totally didn't come true. But then one time you showed me that I was going to be at Chili's with my family, and it happened a week later. The EXACT way you showed me it would.

CREEPY.

But there's really nothing I can do about it, because you're going to visit me every night whether I like it or not.

Just try to keep it light-hearted from now on, ok?? Thanks.

Love,
Courtney

Letter #4- Sibling or Closest Relative

Dear Katie,

You aren't my sibling, but I feel as though you should have been. You are my cousin, my smart, beautiful, sarcastic, way-too-mature-for-age-6 cousin.

I know you aren't supposed to pick favorites in your family, but you're it. You are the main reason I came to Ohio after graduation, and the reason I was most excited to go to Vegas. I couldn't wait to see you. I got to see your amazingly wonderful sisters grow up, and I feel awful that I haven't got to spend as much time with you.

Perhaps you're my favorite because I see so much of myself in you. You're such a daddy's girl, as I was, and I've never seen someone so young be so sarcastic. Seriously, I've seen you outwit your dad, which is hard to do.

I pray for the day you all will be closer to us. I hate not being a more prominent figure in your life, in all of your lives. I hope you know that you can always talk to me, and that no matter where you live, I will always be there for you.

Love, ALWAYS,
Courtney

Letter #3-To my Parents

Dear Mom,

You have no idea how much I look up to you. I tell you everything, so I don't feel that this letter has to be very long. I really just want you to know that you truly are my hero, and I hope that one day I can be half the person you are.

Love Love Love,
Courtney


Dear Dad,

I really have no clue what to say to you. We are so much alike in so many ways, and that scares me, because you have cause this family so much pain and I never want to do that to anyone.

I still love you. I'm your only daughter who actually tries to keep in touch with you, yet I'm the one thrown to the background. Our conversations are usually about how you wish the siblings would talk to you. I've told you, I've talked to them, and there's nothing that's going to change their minds. It's up to them, not me and you. And I can't entirely blame them.

I don't know why I was upset that I didn't get an invite for this weekend. Guess I need to accept that I'm now #2 and her and her family will always be more important. But I'm not going to stop trying, and I pray that in the end I don't get hurt and you realize what has happened.

Love,
Courtney

Letter #2-My Crush

Last night, I had a long talk with my friend Thom. I told him how horrible I was at keeping up with this blog, and how I didn't have a crush. I lied. There's always that one person you can't let go. That one person that will always haunt you and make you wonder what might have been. So here goes.

Dear H,

Hi. I don't know if you even remember me. I'm the girl that was stupid and fell hard, who's heart you broke by asking out her best friend, who pathetically dreamed about how great we could be together. Ring a bell? Probably not to you.

You'll never read this, and that's ok. This is for me for once, and no one else. And it's especially not for you.

I have no reason to be this...what is this? Protective? Obsessive? I'm not really sure. But all I know is that I loved you, and had no reason to. You couldn't have cared less about me, but I can't let you go. People dropped hints, you had to have known. Co-workers can't keep their mouths shut, I've come to discover.

You left for basic training, and I had almost put you out of my mind. I was getting ready to go to Springfield for college, had made new friends, had finally figured out my life, when you came back and saw me at work. We chatted. You smiled. My heart broke again when your girlfriend came up to you and gave me a dirty look. In that two minutes, you took control of the situation you didn't even know about.

But today I'm giving myself permission to move on. There was always a glimmer of hope that we would run into each other again, and it would just click. The world would fall into place and there would be rainbows and flowers and unicorns and nothing bad would ever happen again, because us being together was the perfect match and nothing could ever screw with it.

So I hope you have a fantastic life, and are happy in everything you do.

Goodbye,
Courtney